Cyber Hobo

You heard me. No season brings out as much contempt in me.

Sure, I like the fact that everything gets nice and green, flowers bloom, everything is alive and shit…But you’d think this could all happen without it getting so fucking hot.

For those of you who don’t know this, I’m a big guy, lots  of padding, as one comedian put it I’m Fluffy. So yeah, I can hear you thinking it, Lose some weight Nick. Well, I am, but that’s another story for another time, but, but, the fact is, I know of lots of guys that are as big, if not bigger than I am that have no problem with the heat. Due to this strange anomaly, I’m forced to conclude that I actually have a latent super power. I’m thinking, Human Torch-like power. Yeah, laugh it up, one day, POW Flame on mother fuckers, then we’ll see who’s laughing when I’m setting your shoes on fire. But, my… grand delusions aside, I do seem to have a higher body temperature than most of the general population.

Anyway, as I’m sure you can imagine, this abnormal body temperature makes summer a very uncomfortable time for me. I sweat like a stuck hog, and get pretty surly because of it. Of course, this leads me to keep the AC going on full blast most days. And the AC being on all the time leads my friends to bitch that it’s too cold in my room like little girly girls, you know who you are.

I LOVE the cold, I adore it, that crisp feeling in the air, like it’s made up of tiny icicles that you can’t see but you feel it when you breath in. Skies so blue they seem to go on forever. Watching everyone walk around wearing millions of layers of clothing and still being cold while you’re wearing a t-shirt and shorts and laughing your arse off. (That’s a personal pleasure, my little “Fuck You All” in payment for enduring summer’s vile wrath).

*Sighs pathetically and wipes sweat off of his brow*
While I’m writing this, Spring is on in full and it’s already too hot. This summer is going to be a bitch. I’m wondering if I shouldn’t become like an opposite bird or something, fly north, FOR the winter, see what I did there? That was comedy gold my friends. Well, maybe not gold… but a bronze at the very least. Okay, fine it was a shitty pun that hardly deserves your attention.

So, lets go over the finer points of this post. I hate summer. I am either a flame powered super hero, or somewhere in my family tree, someone got diddled by a crafty little in Inuit who then passed his love of the winter to me. If this is true it must skip several generations because my mother and my grandmother are both girly girls like Vito and Richard when it comes to the cold.

Summer does have one thing going for it though. Rain, man I love rain. All types of rain. Drizzles, sunny showers, full blown thunder storms, that kind of freezing rain that’s just short of hail. Storms are the best, the sky going black and dangerous, sometimes the clouds turn orange or purple for some reason, lightning arcing through the sky, thunder roaring so loudly that you can feel it in every cell of your body. Man, day or night, those are times I live for.

Sometimes the nicest thing in the world is standing out in the rain, letting those cold drops of water run over your body, like the world is crying on you. It’s a very cathartic experience and I recommend that this summer everyone try it at least once. If you’re too chicken to try that and risk and angry bolt of lightning from whatever god you’ve angered in the last few years, then the next best thing is to sit by a window and watch the rain pouring off of it, streaming down the glass (Did you know that glass isn’t actually considered a solid? Yeah, it’s really a supercooled liquid, over the years, panes of glass actually become thicker at the bottom than at the top because they gradually ooze downward, Fuck I love the Discovery Channel).

What else is good about summer? Not a lot… maybe I’m trying to build up a sufficiently large Pro list for summer not being that bad, for personal use, obviously. Hmm, Ah, Swimming! I love swimming. Well, I used to love swimming when I was a kind, couldn’t get me out of the water back then. These days… eh… I mean, unless you’ve got one of those fancy saltwater chlorinators, then you have to worry about red eye from the chemicals, which also makes your skin all manky eventually. Still, swimming can be pretty cool, but only if you have people to horse about with. Swimming by yourself isn’t really fun.

What else? Um, oooh, lovely ladies in bikinis. Yeah, that’s a perk and a half. Of course, I’m never really in a position to observe this fascinating behaviour… mainly because I don’t like the beach (Sharks, you understand, once, when I was young, I was snorkeling and came face to face with one of the fuckers, I turned into Jesus and ran out of that water, I shit you not. Also, I know that eventually the bastards are gonna develop either wings or legs and then the people on the beaches will be the first to go… *Shudders*).

Our water parks here are pretty grotty as a whole, I mean, back in the day The Lost City was fucking epic, but I went there a year or two ago and it was terrible, water was filthy and gross. Oh! And then Oprah Winfrey and Julia Roberts closed the entire Valley of Waves for some private party or something and kicked us poor regular folk out… That sucked and I’m still angry with them.

Ooh, Mozzies and flies definitely need to go on the cons list of summer. Now, I’m not really bothered by mosquitoes. I guess I don’t have sweet blood or something, either that or my room is too cold for them to survive. Anyway, Flies are the real pests, buzzing around, laying eggs on my food, annoying the crap out of people. Little flying disease factories.

Hmm, I think I’ve run out of stuff to talk about.

So, in closing, FUCK SUMMER! That is all.