Cyber Hobo

Tonight was a bad night. Terrible in fact.

I had dream after dream of that special person. Holding her in my arms, kissing her, stroking her hair as she lay in my lap. It went on and on and on, like my brain was trying to remind me of my utter stupidity. I woke up shaking like an epilepsy sufferer, my limbs not fully under my control. Once again, I felt the full force of my mistakes pressing down on me. I honestly thought I had moved past this… uncontrollable, overwhelming, crippling sorrow. But I was wrong.

I’ve realised that I still love her more than life itself and I don’t think that will ever change. After I quieted my shaking limbs and managed to sit up, I wandered around the house in a daze, remembering all the good times we shared while she was here. Sitting outside under the porch, chatting. In my room proper, playing Resident Evil 5 in co-op mode. Snuggling up on my couch. Making love in my bed. Sitting and talking shit in the back of a bakkie while being bounced around mercilessly on a very bad dirt road. All of those things… they made my life. I suppose that in the end, it was a blessing to have her in my life at all. If I died today, that’s what I would be thinking about until the very end. How lucky I was to have her in my life at all.

The touch of her lips, her fingers running through my hair, I miss it so much. I know that there was a lot of bad that happened… mostly my fault, but there was also a hell of a lot of good. They say that it’s easier to find the bad in a situation than the good, but I will have to disagree on that, it’s easy to find the good in those two years when I think about her. About how amazing she is. I’m just not sure she realises how much I changed for her, or how much I love her. I’m crazy about this woman, she still holds my heart in her hands, whether she realises that or not.

I know this blog has taken a turn for the morose lately, so I’d like to apologise to anyone that’s actually taking the time to read it for that. I would very much like to report on happy things that happen to me, but right now, my life is pretty much up the creek. You know the one, you go down it in a crude aquatic device and lose your means of propulsion, the one that is running deep with fecal matter. Yeah, that’s the one. I know that there are people out there that are having a worse time of it than I am, I don’t think I’m the most put upon person in the world, but for me this is a very trying time.

My heart is broken into a million pieces and I am totally and utterly lost. I don’t know what to do anymore. Life seemed very simple a few months ago. I had this amazing woman on my arm. Smart, funny, silly, nerdy, geeky, she was all of the things I love. I fucked that up, drove her into someone Else’s arms.

I still love her though, I don’t think I will ever be able to stop loving her. As far as I’m concerned, I found my soul mate, my happiness. She was the one for me. Unfortunately, I wasn’t the one for her. I wanted to be her knight in shining armour, I wanted that desperately, but in the end, all I did was hurt her.

Yes, I want her back, I want her back with every cell in my body, every fiber of my being, but that being said, she deserves to be happy. I am… devastated that I wasn’t the one to make her happy, but if she’s found someone that does… what right do I have to be selfish and desire her return? Love is meant to be selfless. If you love someone with all your heart, then you should be able to let them go, let them leave your life in order to find their happiness.

And yet… I still want her back. I want the chance to show her that I can make her happy now. I want the chance to show her that I’ve grown up, that I’m not afraid to express my feelings anymore. I want to show her that I’ve let go of all that stupid, blind anger. I want to hold her in my arms and protect her from anything that could possibly hurt her.

She’ll never give me that chance though, I fucked up too badly… and she’s with someone that DOES make her happy. I guess I’m just a fool, a blind idiot that believes in miracles. A dreamer that can’t let go of hope. A romantic that believes in the power of the heart. It’s… useless to think like that, but I just can’t help it.

If the US embassy would give me a visa, I’d probably be down there in a flash, doing everything in my power to win her back. I’ve even considered stowing away on a ship bound for there, sneaking into the country and living in a fucking box on the street to prove my devotion to her.  Yes, I am that much of an idiot.

What can I say? I love her. Love can make people do crazy things, stupid things… hurtful things. Am I stupid for hoping that one day we’ll be back together? Probably. Am I stupid for holding onto someone that doesn’t want me anymore? Probably. I am a fool of the highest caliber. And I bet you’re thinking that I’m pretty pathetic too. Well, I know I am, but I don’t really care. If you love someone as much as I live her, then you’ve got to be willing to drag yourself over broken glass to make that happen. You’ve got to be willing to bare the brunt of all the pain that will follow.

I love her still. And I want nobody else. I will accept nobody else. Call me stupid, call me pathetic, tell me I’m wasting my time, I don’t fucking care. I love this woman and I will do anything for her. I cannot fathom anyone loving her more than I do… and I just have to keep hope alive, that one day she will realise that and agree to let me prove my love.

Yes, I will endure this wrenching pain, this eternally lonely life, if it means that I have even the slightest sliver of a chance of making this happen. I love her with all my heart and soul and I need to believe that that is evident to her and to everyone.