Cyber Hobo

It’s been a while since I posted anything new. I guess I neglected this for a while as I slowly attempted to rebuild the tattered scraps of my heart.

I’ve got something to say now though so I might as well say it here. The decision about whether or not to talk to my ex was taken out of my hands it seems. It’s been… nearly two weeks since I’ve even said two words to her. On some levels, this makes me very sad, because I truly hoped to remain friends with her, she is a wonderful person and a hell of a lot of fun to hang out with. On another level, I feel… happy? No, that’s not the right word, because I’d never be happy that she’s not around but… relieved? Refreshed? I don’t know what it is exactly but it’s not a negative emotion.

I guess in some ways I should thank her for doing what she did. I’ve known a lot of heartache in my time, but this… this was the first time that something effected me this deeply, hurt me this badly. I know that sounds like a stupid thing to be thankful for, but it opened my eyes to a lot of things, made me do a lot of growing up, allowed me to make a lot of changes that I truly needed to make. Her and I… we had a pretty spectacular relationship, the good was spectacularly good and the bad was… spectacularly bad, like, explosion in a fireworks factory spectacular, you know, beautiful, stunning, breathtaking… if you can get past the screaming and the burning people running all over the place.

We had chemistry, a lot of it, but so does dynamite. I loved her like I’ve never loved anyone else, but we couldn’t work. Maybe we could now, now that I’ve changed, now that I’ve done all this soul searching, but that ship has sailed off into the horizon. Now, now I find myself single and I’m not really good at being single, despite a lot of practice. I’m good at being alone, sure, or… I was good at being alone. It’s very hard to truly understand how empty life can be when you’re alone if you’ve always been alone. Once you’ve known that simple, sweet joy though… well, it’s hard to get back to being happy by yourself.

It’s not impossible though, I will, eventually, make peace with what happened, I will move on, I will be okay. It’s taken a lot of crying and a lot of time curled into a ball in bed to realise that, but I have. I am going to make some lady very happy some day. I may be an ugly bastard, but I think I’m funny and smart and attentive enough to make up for that. I’m not a bad bloke, all in all and some day someone will see that. Until that happens though, my life isn’t that bad, I can deal with this for now.