Cyber Hobo

It’s very hard for me to wrap my head around the situation I currently find myself in. If I think about it, I’ve been unhappy for a significant portion of my life. I know why, obviously, I’ve got very poor self image and this colours all my life. The way I percieve myself is… very uncomplimentary. Because of this, I’ve been afraid to take chances that could lead to me getting hurt. Of course, this is mainly due to… years of people reacting poorly to my appearance. When you have something pounded into your head for years on end, it becomes quite hard to dispute those things, even in your own mind.

I’m not completely blaming “Society” for this, but it did play a significant role in my slow descent into this… very specialised form of madness. Yes, I said madness, for that is surely what this is. My rational mind comprehends that these things are wrong, that I am a fairly like-able person, but still I let these past encounters cloud my sense of self worth. Perhaps if I was a stronger person, I’d be able to ignore all of that, but I’m not and I can’t.

Back then… back when all this scar tissue was being built up, I learned how to do something to protect myself. I learned how to be empty, or at least fool myself so completely that I might as well have been empty. To, shield myself entirely from anything like hope or dreams. That way… that way you can protect yourself from disappointment, from pain.

I made a huge mistake though, I let someone in, I… allowed myself to think about the future, to hope… to dream. That was… stupid beyond belief. I should know by now that good things rarely happen to me. It was good for a while, but then… then I got another taste of why I let myself sink into that state in the first place. If you’ve read this silly little blog at all you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, then feel free to go back and familiarise yourself with the train wreck that is my life.

I’ve only laid out my thoughts on the matter so that you can understand the way my mind is working right at this second. I find myself… incapable of returning myself to that state. It came so easily before but now it’s like grasping at mist. Why can’t I get back to that? It’s a hopeless, pointless way to exist, but at least it’s safe.

Have I grown too much as a person to be able to do that to myself anymore? Have I… in being allowed a taste of how sweet life can be… made myself incapable of entering that state again? This scares me… badly… because… as unhappy as one is in that state, it’s infinitely preferable to this… constant, gnawing pain that assaults me again and again, just when I finally think I’m coming to terms with all this. It’s maddening.

Is this the price of personal growth? Is ignorance trulybliss? Or, if not bliss, perhaps something as simple as survival? Or is this simply a metamorphosis? Is this pain associated with the change? I wonder if the caterpillar in it’s cocoon suffers pain like this. I wouldn’t be so vain as to suggest that I will become something as beautiful as a butterfly, but perhaps a moth of some sort, drab and grey but… serving some purpose at least.

It seems that the more questions I ask the fewer answers I get. Maybe this… all of this… is just the price of knowledge. I didn’t know what life would be like with someone that loved me and I was… if not happy, then content with what I was. Now that I do know… now that I have some knowledge of this… everything is more difficult.

I know that I am moving on, I can feel… something happening… some change in myself. I hope that this feeling is associated with moving on and not some… further descent into madness. Once again, this feeling just brings on more questions.

What does my future hold? I know that… after this, there are certain things that I want. A wife, a family, children… I’m just not sure if I’m… worthy of these things. Heh, like I said, my self worth is down in the crapper, so how can I expect someone else to see any worth in me if there even is any.

I like making people happy. I truly enjoy seeing people’s faces light up when I do something for them. I’m under no illusion that this makes me a selfless person. I like seeing people happy, but do I only like making people happy because it makes me happy? I wonder if there’s even such a thing as a selfless act.

 Gods, how on earth did I become this jaded? I can see it in myself… like a corruption that has seeped into me over years… a corruption that is now so deeply ingrained that there’s no hope of removing it. It makes me sick. Am I too jaded to be worth anything to anyone? *Shakes head* I don’t know why I torment myself with questions like this. Once again we come to the price of knowledge. Or perhaps… I’m just too stupid to stop asking these questions. I doubt I’ll ever know for certain.

I really wish that I could stop. Things would certainly be a lot easier if I was able to that. I just keep seeking insight into my emotions, my mental state, and it’s destroying me. I believe that there is a fine line between intelligence and stupidity and I am constantly unsure of which side I fall to.

Perhaps I should just say “Screw it” and give up. I’m tired, exhausted and completely lost as to what to do. Why can’t the answers be simple, easy to understand?

In the mean time, while… whatever is happening to me happens, the only thing I can hope to do is to take my mind off of the crushing loneliness with whatever I can get my hands on, be it games or TV or what have you.

Well, enough of this, perhaps someone smarter than I can unravel my twisted thoughts… if anyone like that happens to read this crap, that is.