Cyber Hobo

Well, Christmas is here again and it’s prompted me to post once more. If you’re averse to melancholy, you might want to stop reading now.

What is it about this time of year that brings out both the best and the worst in people? It can be a time of great joy, of warmth, of sharing and caring, all that wonderful crap that people can find in their hearts. If you can’t tell by now, I’m not one of those people… well, at least I’m not this year. Last year was another matter entirely. I was happy, for the first time in remembrance I had a truly happy Christmas. There was someone out there that took notice, that cared about me, no matter how far away she was.

This year… well, this year is shaping up to be one of the worst. I’ve gotten over her… for the most part, I still care about her a lot, I still consider her to be one of my best friends, no matter how rarely I get to speak to her. Hells, I even made my piece with her current boyfriend. This melancholy bomb that has descended upon me isn’t related to her, or if it is, it’s only in the smallest sense possible.

No, this is about being alone during this time. It can break a person, quite easily, especially when all of your friends are in happy relationships, when everyone around you is joyfully celebrating the holidays with someone that is special to them. It’s about feeling completely and totally out of place when you’re surrounded by that. It’s not a pleasant feeling, especially when you can clearly remember how good you were feeling during the same time last year.

It’s no wonder that suicide rates climb through the roof during this time. Nobody likes feeling alone. The thing is… those same things that make this such a wonderful time of year for some, make it a terrible time for others. Everyone finds a little extra joy in their hearts, everyone finds it in themselves to express themselves more in that direction. Love and hope and joy… all those things gush to the surface… and for those of us that are alone, it just highlights how alone we are.

Is it jealousy? I suppose it is to a degree but, at least for me, I am truly happy for those of my friends that have that joy, that have someone that loves them, I really, truly am. I just wish with all of my grubby, broken, much duct taped heart that I had that too, that I had someone to heap love and cheer on during this time. Someone to… put up decorations with, someone to laugh with as I try to find that one burned out bulb on the lights.

I watched a scene the other day that made my heart swell and sink at the same time. I watched a friend of mine and his girlfriend playfully arguing about seeing her gifts. It was… very special and once again, I was so happy that they had found each other, that they had found someone to play with like that. He’s a damn good bloke and he truly deserves every happiness that the world can give him. At the same time, though, it reminded me of how alone I am.

This… melancholy can very easily turn into… hurt and anger at that hurt. Not at anyone in particular, or, if it is directed at anyone, then it’s at myself. What the hell is wrong with me? I ask that all the time of late, but more so now that the holidays have rolled around. Why am I alone? Why am I always alone? Do I have some major character defect that completely repels women? Or is it the most simple answer of all… because I’m overweight… yes, I think that is it. Or at least the main cause of why I seem to repel the opposite sex. I am… quite obviously not attractive.

*Rubs a hand over his face* I don’t think I have an… unlikable personality. I seem to make friends easily enough. I don’t think I’ve ever come across someone that just doesn’t like me… Of course, I tend to be quite dense as far as that goes. It’s entirely possible that I’ve met a lot of people that don’t like me and I just haven’t realised it.

Is it really possible that I am that… unwanted though? That all of me, every aspect of who and what I am is so completely unattractive as to actively repel the affections of women? It seems that way.

To be honest, if I was to disappear from the face of the planet, just… vanish, I’m not sure if anyone would even realise that I was gone. And that, above anything else, worries me greatly, that I am so ephemeral, so insubstantial that I could just drift away unnoticed.

Yes, I realise how “Emo” this post is. You’d think that they would steadily become less so as time went by, as I manage to get over the heartbreak of the past few months. I suppose it’s just unlucky that the holiday season blindsided me like this, bringing up all of these unpleasant emotions.

I suppose the fact that I am alone all the time is my own damn fault when it comes down to it. Every woman I fall for is… unavailable, uninterested, or on the other side of the world. Wonderful habit isn’t it? It seems that, as soon as I get even slightly interested in anyone, they either hook up with someone or are interested in someone else. That’s just the way my luck seems to run.

It’s times like this that I just think… “Fuck it… maybe I’ll become a monk or a hermit or something and just fucking give up.” Honestly, I couldn’t have any worse luck in the relationship department if I was miles away from anything or anyone.

Maybe that’s the thing to do. Not to that extreme maybe, but… just giving up. I’m never going to find someone that makes me happy, someone that I make happy, so why fucking put out all of this effort into finding someone like that? I get a lot of joy out of making people happy, out of making one… special person happy, I love making that special someone smile, but if nobody wants to give me the opportunity to do so then there’s really nothing I can do about it.

So, I’m just gonna get on with getting on, the business of living, of dying, it makes no difference to me right now.