Cyber Hobo

I’ve been wondering something lately. To what degree have my experiences shaped me? If my mind was suddenly wiped clean, if I remembered nothing, not language, not memory, nothing, how much of me would still be me? Would my heart still be the same? Would my soul remain intact? Would I still feel the same way about certain things? Would my sense of justice still be as it is?

I suppose it all comes down to that age old question of nature versus nurture… that is the basis of my current musings but… that isn’t all it is. I wonder how much of who I am now is tied to my experiences, my memories, to my connections with other people. I’d like to think that, no matter how I was taught, or how I was raised, the core of who I am would remain intact. I hold my values, my sense of morality, my principals, very close to my heart… as… twisted and abnormal as they may be.

I don’t like the thought that if I somehow lost all of my memories, all of my past experiences, I would be a totally different person. At the same time though, I am somewhat envious of people who find themselves in that situation, terrible as it may be. There are certain traits, certain behaviors that I can identify in myself that deserve to be wiped out. I am not a happy person, not at all, and I wonder if that unhappiness stems from these traits that vex me so drastically.

It is difficult to erase or modify these behaviors, these traits at the moment. No doubt due to my age and the time they have had to establish themselves in my psyche… the time I have allowed them to run unchecked through my life. Overeating, pessimism, shyness, procrastination, laziness. These traits, these characteristics are ruining my life and I lack the ability to change them for the better. Or is it something other than a lack of ability? Is it perhaps that as I try to change one of these negative traits, the others hold me back, trip me up… I don’t know, I wish I did.

Perhaps some learned expert on the subject of human nature could enlighten me but for the moment, for now… all I have are my own musings on the matter. Heh, perhaps the fact that I allow my mind to wander so drastically, so deeply, is another of the traits that I need to address. Perhaps I think too much for my own damn good.

Going back to the original reason for this post. I am… afraid of losing myself but at the same time… I wish I could. I wish I could wake up with the slate wiped clean, with the ability to become a new person. Perhaps not completely different, but… better.

This desire to change myself is terrifying in a way. Am I truly that bad of a person, am I truly that much of a lost cause that I wish to be someone else? I’m not sure. There are a lot of aspects of myself that I like, but at the same time it they appear to repel people.  Am I looking in the wrong places for friends, for companions? Or am I simply so odd that the number of like minded individuals are so very rare?

I don’t know, I don’t know the answers to any of these questions that seem to plague me and this worries me, it worries me to my core. I am not nearly so arrogant as to think that I am the only one that has these thoughts, I just wish I could answer… one, two… I hate feeling like I don’t know anything, I hate being out of my depth like this. To be honest, I’ve never liked that feeling, but I doubt anyone does.

Why am I always in my head like this? Why can’t I just… live without questioning every single thing that happens to me until it becomes… yet another obsessive meandering of my stupid, overworked psyche. I could almost laugh about it if it wasn’t so damned sad. I am truly pathetic… well, pathetic or clinically insane, the coin is still up in the air on that one… and if I know my luck, it’s gonna come down on it’s edge.